We all have them…
Some are harmless, others can destroy your entire life once the secret is out.
If you tell yourself you don’t have any secrets, you’re lying to yourself.
I have more secrets than I even know, it’s terrifying.
But today I’m going to come clean and share with you one of my dirtiest secrets.
I’m an addict.
…And boy did it feel good to let that out.
The first step is admitting it, right?
And for the longest, I lied to myself.
I would tell my self I didn’t have a problem and that I could control my self.
But that’s a lie and the one person you can never fool is the man in the mirror.
We’re all addicted to something.
It might be your phone, sugar, drugs, alcohol, sex, the list goes on.
But these are my addictions.
…and how addiction has affected my life.
Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to escape my reality.
During my high school years I was always on my laptop, listening to music or riding my bike to escape.
That went on for most of the 4 years of high school, the one addiction I never got over was the internet.
That was my favorite escape, I could be whoever I wanted, I made money, I met people all over the world, I built small businesses and I couldn’t get enough.
It was simply glorifying.
2 Years after graduating high school, my life took a major turn.
The internet substantially changed my life.
One of my businesses started to actually make enough money that it changed my world.
And I did what any 19 year old would do when he makes 5-figures a month.
I bought all kinds of fancy clothes and shit I didn’t need.
I spoiled my girlfriend and my family.
It all felt unreal, my life seemed perfect.
That is until the stress creeped in…
I had to relax somehow and that’s when I was introduced to alcohol.
I had chosen my poison and boy did I build a reputation for it.
At the time I was still living with my parents, I was only 19.
My parents don’t drink nor do they tolerate alcohol & drugs.
But that didn’t stop me sneaking it and drinking behind their back.
As time passed, the stress increased and it seemed like I was always drunk.
I’m not going to lie, alcohol helped me face a lot of fears.
I did things I wouldn’t have done sober like talking to new people, attending events for work and even increasing my confidence when talking to women.
But that didn’t make it OK.
In fact now that I think about it, it’s actually sad.
The minute I’d wake up I’d rush to my laptop to check my messages and stats.
And right after I’d take a shot or 2 to start my day.
Alcohol helped me cope with the stress in my life at the time and it also pushed me to do things I normally wouldn’t do.
One of the things I’ve always wanted to do was go to Vegas, but I never had the money nor would I have enjoyed it since I was still underage.
But that all changed once I had cash in my pocket.
January 19, 2005 was one of the craziest days I’ve experienced, I went to Vegas for the very first time.
I met people face-to-face that I had me online for the very first time.
It was an amazing experience and I experienced it completely drunk!
I was far too anxious to meet people while sober, it was terrifying to me.
But the minute I drank, my peoples skills went from bad to excellent real quick.
I had rented out a Rolls Royce while in Vegas and invited some friends who invited 2 of their friends.
And even though I was hammered the entire time, I still remember the day like it was yesterday.
My dream car is a Rolls Royce and I’d go crazy every time I saw one.
But actually sitting in one cruising the Vegas strip and having a hot chick next to me felt absolutely unreal.
That’s me, the short kid with the white blazer and Grey Goose vodka in his hands.
Which I dropped shortly after this photo was taken.
My first trip to Vegas was unforgettable.
At the time I didn’t see my drinking problem as a problem.
Everyone else was doing it and I thought I was living the ‘life’ and this is what ‘success’ felt like.
My view of success at the time was partying all the time, fucking different chicks every night and having so much money to blow that I didn’t have to do anything for myself.
But it was far from the truth, success has nothing to do with those things.
The truth is everyone has a different view about what success is and I’m not going to go into that topic right now.
My addiction had taken over my life, especially when I moved out of my parents house and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
Since I was still underage, I once had an Uber driver buy me alcohol.
With the freedom of living on my own I started getting into trouble, destroying relationships and making poor decisions.
I realized how serious my problem was when someone made a $1000 bet saying I couldn’t go 6 months without alcohol.
I wanted to prove him wrong, but even more so I wanted to prove to myself that I was in control.
6 Months later…
I won that bet and proved to myself that I had the discipline it takes to stop myself from something I was way too dependent on.
But when one addiction is terminated another must take its place.
That’s when I was introduced to weed.
At first I didn’t like the feeling, but I gave it another try and got hooked.
I became a complete stoner and it took a major toll on my life.
I made a lot of bad decisions while stoned and you may have a hard time believing me when I tell you this…
…But I ended up buying 2 sports cars while I was high.
Yes, I actually fucking did that.
And just for the giggles, check this out…
It was one of the stupidest fucking decisions of my life and boy did I learn a thing or 2 about responsibility.
I got thousands of dollars worth of speeding tickets and was close to being thrown in jail for some of my speeding violations.
I became $50k in debt and when I started having financial issues I had to bust my ass to pay off the bills.
I was paying nearly $2k/mo for the cars including insurance.
It was fucking hell.
I was stressed, depressed, alone, scared and fucking broke.
My only friend was the bong to help ease the stress and forget my shitty reality.
I would smoke all day and stay home alone.
I’d go on for days without talking to anyone but the guy taking my fast food order.
I felt like a complete loser and I was ashamed.
It went on for months and my situation only got worse as time went on.
My credit cards where maxed out, I had 2 car loans, I had tons of bills stacked on top of one another and I owed people money.
I was devastated and felt extremely hopeless.
I didn’t talk to anyone about it because I was so ashamed of what I’ve become.
And it didn’t stop until I finally asked for help.
I flew to New York to visit my parents so I could get the emotional and physical support I needed.
I had gone 3 months without smoking until just a week ago I took a few hits and became extremely sick after.
I couldn’t walk straight, I felt anxious and I was physically hurting all over.
These effects had never happened to me from smoking weed but it was a bad enough experience that I can say I don’t want to go near that stuff.
Once again I had found myself giving up an addiction to only replace it with something else.
I’ve been so stressed since the beginning of this year (2017) I started having pain in my feet.
The doctors couldn’t explain it and the only thing that helped me was pain killers.
And pain killers are no joke.
So for the past 4 months, I’ve been hooked on all sorts of pain medication just to keep me going.
I take Lyrica (Nerve pain medication), Tramadol (Pain killer) and Hydromorphone (a 10x stronger version of morphine).
Mixing all those medications together gets me high all day.
I’ve tried to stop and successfully did for 3 weeks but was in extreme pain and I wasn’t able to walk.
Here I am now trying to quit, but I’m afraid the next addiction might ruin me forever…
My secret is out and now you know one of my dirty little secrets I’ve tried to hide for a long time.
I know I’m not alone and if you have something to share, please comment below!